After the post on Serving the Eviction Notice, someone had said “okay forgiveness can be used to evict ‘when someone is living in you head rent free’ but what if the ‘renter’ isn’t a someone inhabiting your mind, but an event – something that’s there preoccupying darker corners of you mind'. More people than you or I realize, have those ‘event renters’. An occurrence in the past that lives in your head rent free – stirring up pain: confusion, anger, and resentment (all used to deflect the pain of what occurred) anxiety and OH, let us not forget that terror of randomness – why me; it’s so crazy and arbitrary – it’s not fair. It didn’t let us have control over the what, when and how. The present and future will always include the pain of the past event. That pain or loss shouldn’t isolate us but it can…and does.
The inquirer had just hit a minefield that caused an explosion of feelings for me. I drew a deep breath and told him I knew exactly what he meant. I knew exactly what this person was saying – I had had a ‘renter’ named Despair for quite awhile. He’s been evicted. But sill occasionally I hear his ghost whispering words of anxiety, sadness, fear, and resentment and sadness over what could have been each time Despair is triggered by a certain day, memory of the small and fragile, a smell, a picture, a mention of what would’ve been.
Despair entered my life in 1994 when our daughter Christine Hope was born with a mitochondrial disorder. Eight weeks later we were told her condition was fatal. 2 ½ weeks later at dawn on a day with the bluest sky and the brightest sun – I held Christy in my arms as she drew her last breath here on this earth.
Saying I was sad and mourned is simply too trite. There was bitterness, anger, resentment, and even confusion – what do I say when people ask how many kids do you have 3 or 4? Would saying 4 lead to an uncomfortable out of the blue discussion for some? Would saying four seem like I’m harping on my loss and almost advertizing it - looking for reaction? Would saying 3 be lying or appear as a denial of the beautiful curly brown headed girl with the softest and warmest brown eyes?
In my loss – I didn’t want to maintain focus on what happened to me – I needed to focus on what was happening in me. I had resentment toward a doctor who was on call and refused to talk to us (incidentally she was in the midst of congestive heart failure and was taken to a specialty children’s hospital). I had resentment toward some who never gave a word of sympathy or support. I had anger toward myself – had I done something during the pregnancy to cause this? did I do all I really could? Could I have shown my love for her more? I wallowed with Despair and qualified our pain as the worst anyone ever could suffer.
It was about then a good friend gave me a bible verse, Phillippians 4:4-7: Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
This verse struck me in an upsetting way. Was I supposed to rejoice now? I can’t have anxiety over this or because of this - I have to unresentfully come before the Lord and say thanks when I pray… I CAN”T!... I … (can’t breath or think) .. I would try…i would kneel my teeth gritted empty hearted and follow the verse.
Hmm… “but in everything, all things, by prayer and petition WITH THANKGIVING make your request to God.” I took out my case notebook – basically a log for treatments administered, procedures, meds and the times they needed to be administered and what each was for, it had the feeding times - Notes on chats with docs and nurses – notes on how we were to do care procedures (administering feeding tube, monitor monitors for heart rate, O2 sats, blood pressure). And then I started to look at the notes I had written in the margins about the staff, and positive comments made or happenings I noticed (three separate doctors told us she should have been still born) (a nurse said she’d never seen such parents providing so much of the main care in the NICU) (a friend brought an angel figurine) (a music box unexplainably played its tune at a time we were both in tears - the tune was simply Jesus Loves Me) (I found a cross lapel pin on the floor by Christy’s crib) (The nurses got together and gave us the cross that had hung in Christy’s room.)
I saw these side notes and started to say prayers of thanksgiving – not in the most sincere of ways at first. I prayed thanksgiving prayers for people who had a hand in those side notes. I prayed for people who provided Christy’s care – I thanked God that this young child was able to be held and loved by parents who where the only ones that could love her completely the way she needed to by love – no one would’ve loved her more. I thanked Him as hard as this was that she was born alive to meet us and for us to meet her.
Over the course of awhile – I realized there was a peace – one that in no way I would’ve found on my own. It was God’s peace and few could understand it - A peace that surpasses human comprehension. I can now look in the deepest corners of my heart without seeing or feeling bitterness, anger, resentment, or confusion – even thinking back to those moments at dawn that day in 1994.
Our future will always hold the pain of the past. I will never get the answer to WHY – Why was she born with this fatal disease? Why did she have to die? WHY, why, why? I can only receive those final answers when I stand before Him in His glory – even then it may not matter. But I can see the effects and blessings Christy brought. We have two wonderful sons in our family who most likely wouldn’t be here now. We may not have made choices about family events or family priorities as often or strongly as we have done without knowing the preciousness of time spent with our kids. We may not have looked for an opportunity for me to be a stay-home-mom. Several of our friends who were struggling in their faith grew spiritually. One family had two children baptized. People came and told us how our family changed their families.
How did I evict this renter? DESPAIR was barricaded in my head.
I chose ACCEPTANCE. As I prayed sincerely and focused on being thankful in the midst of Despair, as I focused on God (who did not cause this thing – I don’t believe he looked down and said let’s send Naomi’s world crashing down today ) who visibly walked through this valley of darkness with us. I ACEPTED the situation – didn’t like it and wanted answers – but I ACCEPTED it. And His peace was wrapped around me.
To evict “event renters” I think you eventually must ask yourself “do I want to live in Despair or Acceptance?“
Giving up the pursuit of control brings you to Acceptance and Peace.
Lamentations 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
Note to reader: A great help for my despair was the gift of this book:
A GRACE DISGUISED: HOW THE SOUL GROWS THROUGH LOSS by GERALD L. SITTSER
Talk with someone who’s walked your path. Peace that surpasses understanding is more than a possibility.
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