Reconcile

Reconcile.

To settle; to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible; to square up accounts.

This Easter, the word “reconcile” has rested in both my heart and on my mind. 

There is joy in the gift of the cross – the brokenness that hinders relationship with God is fully reconciled. 

There are times when I’m painfully aware that I am fundamentally flawed – incapable of truly living this life in a virtuous, morally correct manner.  Reconciliation is necessary because in my humanness, no matter how I may try, I am unable to redeem myself – a stubborn child.

There are times in which I struggle with being unsettled, life seems tougher than it needs to be…. just emotionally draining.  This also is a result of my brokenness. I can be judgmental, impatient, resentful, anxious, insecure, self-centered, harbor mistrust… and the list goes on (and on) all of which leads to pain and regret – a hot mess resulting in discord and debt in my relationship with the Father and others as well.

Easter brings the good news that this list of brokenness is wiped clean – not just this once – but for all time.  Despite my wrongs and imperfection, I can daily live cleansed, at peace as His beloved unconditionally loved child.

Celebrating Easter and worshiping with our family of God brought an additional revelation/blessing.  We were there in union, together, in fellowship – connected by God’s grace and love.  The possibility to peacefully live each day in love and harmony in light of the Cross exists and perhaps should be consciously sought.

  

Sometimes as we travel life there is brokenness in relationships that is a source of unpleasantness or pain.  Hurt causes loss of trust. There is hesitation and uncertainty.  People are guarded and kept apart.  There is loss.  Again, the problem is due to our brokenness.  Sometimes despite our want or effort, it is hard - maybe even seemingly impossible to have reconciliation in relationship.  Words cannot mend.  Actions, attitudes, depth of hurt or betrayal will not fully be overcome in superficial human interactions. 

On our own, we are unable to provide true reconciliation that restores.  Instead we “reconcile” ourselves to accept the situation of a broken relationship – accepting that things will just always be unpleasant since the situation cannot or will not change.  This type of reconciliation doesn’t bring a lasting peace or rest.

Reconcile.

Reunite; harmonize; intercede; rectify.

Here’s the blessing…. The gift of Christ’s reconciliation also covers us in our relationships with others.  The same grace that provided harmony with the Father can reunite us with individuals from whom we are separated.  We can approach them – as a reconciled child of God – through the Love of the Father.  Reach out, talk with, interact with, serve or help that individual not of our own accord but trusting in the blessing the cross provides to intercede and rectify. 

And so my prayer this Easter is to hold the reconciliation of the Cross in my heart daily in my relationship with the Father and with others; that I may act through His grace and love beyond my brokenness. 

Rom 5:8  "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Rom 5:1   "Since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Rom 5:10  “For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!”

Hold your PEACE

Peace.

I have been standing still with this word for awhile.  A part of my heart is troubled with an aspect of this word … it has been for a lot more than a while now.

Living my life through Faith, I believe in Romans 12:18 “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone:” Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God:”   Romans 14:19 “Let us then pursue what makes for peace and for mutual building:’ and Hebrews 12:14 “Strive for peace with all men.”

Peace.

Non-warring condition. An agreement or treaty between antagonistic groups. Freedom from dissension or strife. Unanimity. Pacification. Neutrality.

“Keep the peace” – maintain order; refrain from creating a disturbance.

“Make peace” - arrange a cessation of hostilities or antagonism.

“Make one’s peace with” – to become reconciled with (accustomed-adjusted); acceptance.

And then there is “Hold your peace” – to keep silent or to not say anything about something.

Peace.

The problem is that sometimes, despite our best efforts… our wants… our wishes… our hopes… our faith - peace isn’t really present, had or found.  One is then left with feelings of hurt, frustration, sadness, anger… failure.

Is one then left with “Hold your peace” – meaning “to keep silent or not say anything”?

That might be tried.  It really doesn't allow for resolution or improvement. 
In our humanity, sometimes unity-pacification-freedom from dissension doesn’t or can’t exist with some individuals.

Standing Still with PEACE the last few days, I was pointed to search and ponder His Word more deeply (peace is mentioned over 400 times!).

I found PEACE.

PEACE.

Tranquility. Untroubled. Content.

I don’t have to “keep the peace”, “make peace” or “make one’s peace with” this aspect.

I’ve been given PEACE.

            Leviticus 26:6 “And I will give peace..”

            Numbers 6:26 “The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.”

2 Chronicles 14:7   “we have sought HIM and He has given us peace on every side”.

John 14:27  “Peace I leave with you; my PEACE I give to you”

I am led in  PEACE.

Isaiah 55:12 “For you shall go out in joy, and be led forth in peace.”

PEACE is ordained for me.

Isaiah 26:12 “O lord, thou wilt ordain peace for us”.

PEACE is spoken to me.

Psalm 85:8 “Let me hear what God the Lord will speak, for he will speak peace to his people, to his saints, to those who turn to him in their hearts.”

I am kept in PEACE.

Isaiah 26:3 “Thou dost keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee.”

PEACE.

Sometimes it is returned to us.

Matthew 19:13  “And if the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it; but if it is not, let your peace return to you.”

Luke 10:6  "And if a son of peace is there, your peace shall rest upon him; but if not, it shall return to you."

Sometimes it isn’t ours to establish.

Psalm 35:20 “For they do not speak peace…”

Isaiah 59:8 “The way of peace they know not, and there is no justice in their paths; they have made their roads crooked.”

Romans 3:17 “and the way of peace they do not know.”

Isaiah48:22 “There is no peace, says the Lord, for the wicked.”

Psalm 28:3 “Take me not off with those who are workers of evil, who speak peace with their neighbors, while mischief is in their hearts.”

Always – it is ultimately just between each person and the Lord.

            Isaiah 27:5 “let them lay hold of my protection, let them make peace with me.

            Colossians 3:15 “And let the PEACE of Christ rule in your hearts.”

PEACE is really only established one way:

            Colossians 1:20 “and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making PEACE by the blood of His cross.

PEACE.

I am able to "hold my peace" -  this PEACE in my heart – His PEACE.

 

And with all my heart – I wish PEACE for you. I pray you PEACE.

 

 

Psalm 4:8   In PEACE I will both lie down and sleep; for thou alone, O Lord makest me dwell in safety.

Psalm 119:165 “Great PEACE have those who love thy law; nothing can make them stumble.”

Isaiah 9:6  “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government will be upon his shoulder, and his name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of PEACE.”

Luke 7:50 “And Jesus said to the woman, Your faith has saved you; go in PEACE.”

Luke 8:48 “And Jesus said to her, Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in PEACE.”

Galatians 5:22 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, PEACE, patience, kindness, goodness and faithfulness.”

 

Tragedy

As a nation this past week we have faced two more senseless acts of violence.  A young man went into a mall for the sole reason of killing – and just days later the same act was committed in an elementary school.  People were going about their day – working, shopping, going to school – and in moments life turns to chaos.  Then, chaos turns to stillness.  It is senseless (July 20,2012 entry). What are we left with now but unspeakable sorrow.  There is heartbreaking pain over the loss of loved ones.

Gone is the father, the brother, the son, the uncle, the coach. Gone is the mother, the daughter, the wife, the friend, the co-worker.  Gone are the promising lives of children.  One was said to have had “a great sense of humor and a zest for life; a vision and belief in others that brought great joy and value to many”. One was said to have been “everybody’s friend – a wonderful person who was very caring and put others first”. 
Grief and anger bare weight on so many.
Loss spreads and darkly covers those who hear what has happened. 
Sadness for those who are gone and for their families pours out. 
But Loss is indiscriminating – we all are experiencing it.  Parents shake their heads and worry each time children leave the house.  Many say they cannot listen to the news anymore. Many think twice about even leaving the house.  We all feel loss…. Loss of freedom and the ability to feel safe; loss of innocence; loss of joy and peace of mind; and loss of HOPE as people try to enjoy living in such a flawed and hurt filled world.
Fear and anxiety invade every aspect of our thoughts.  There is a realization that tragedy and violence do not discriminate – this randomness is capable of touching any of us personally at anytime…anywhere.
Confusion abounds in our hearts and minds.  Why? What goes on in the minds of people who so maliciously or numbly perform such acts?
Once again, answers are wanted. The cruel reality is that there are none.
The loss, the confusion, the fear and anxiety will only be compounded if we pursue the why’s, how’s and what if’s.  We will be left to live this life in anger and despair; discouraged.
Truth is we live in a world where evil not only exists but thrives.  This is an imperfect world that is filled with the irrational, the ludicrous, the callous, the mindless, the hurtful, the empty, the flawed…  Peace, joy and security will never truly be found in that of this world.
Life does not have to be lived in despair.
Our pain, our fear, our anxieties can be overcome if we pour it all out and open our hearts to the One who heals, comforts, and loves beyond measure. 
As I lay my thoughts, my anger, my fear and hurt open to the Father, my tears are wiped.  I am reminded through His Word to “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you(1 Peter 5:7).”
We each need to Stand Still and know we are held in the palm of His hand, surrounded by His love.  This is the time to listen to Him for the answers that are so deeply longed for and needed. 
In this world we will live with darkness – but we can live in Hope.

“Peace I leave with you; MY peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.” – John 14:27
“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” – Isaiah 66:13
“Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” – Nehemiah 8:10
I “plan to give you hope and a future” – Jeremiah 29:11
I am your “refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” –Psalm 46:1
You can be “convinced that neither death not life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate” you “from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus” – Romans 8:38-39
“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD” – Psalm 46:1

Vertigo of life

I suffer a few health issues that at times tend to make life run a little less smoothly.   Vertigo tends to challenge me periodically.  It’s a dizzying sensation in which I lose equilibrium.  Sometimes accompanied by light-headedness, vertigo causes me to go through my day with unsteadiness.  Perception is tilted and there is a feeling of wavering motion as I am trying to move forward or even just be.  On those days, all I want is to have balance restored.

I realize that this is actually a physical manifestation of how so many of us exist in daily life emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Many of us find ourselves juggling so much – schedules, commitments, concerns, quests for perfection, quests for success – that we seem to be endlessly searching for some kind of balance in life.  And finding balance in our lives is important for studies have proven that a balanced life improves mental and physical health.

So the questions become – How do I find balance?  How can I live life feeling balanced?

There is plenty of advice on how to have a balanced life:  get organized; create daily routines; establish a good support network; be flexible; simplify your life; track your time; leave work at work; nurture yourself; learn to say no; rethink your errands; drop activities or even people that sap time and energy; establish and focus on your priorities; take down time; exercise; relax.

While all of these pieces of advice may hold benefit, I have learned from experience – both in my physical struggle and in life – that the ONLY way to overcome loss of equilibrium is to focus beyond…    The answer/cure/solution will never come from inside yourself or a source that exist within this earthly realm. 

Peace… balance…  contentment…  answers… come from beyond and above; from a God who knows, cares, and loves.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” Isaiah 26:3
“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

“For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation…I can do all this through him who fives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

Alignment

So I went to the grocery store and somehow ended up with THAT cart. You know the one – it’s got that wobbly front right wheel which pulls the cart to the right as you push it. I told myself it was going to be a quick trip and I could put up with it. It was. I did. But as I left the store and went to my vehicle, I found myself shaking my head. With the badly aligned cart, I actually chose to make the chore a little more difficult and less enjoyable than it could’ve been. I could’ve easily gone back and gotten a cart with better alignment. It’s interesting how important alignment is – ‘the proper adjustment of components for coordinated functioning’. Proper alignment ensures efficient, smooth function and more productivity with less energy.
When you think about it, good alignment is essential to living.
Alignment is necessary with possessions – no one wants the cost of new tires or repairs for a vehicle due to poor alignment, especially when that is totally avoidable. Socially, alignment of values, views and goals allows for better communication, cooperation and productivity. Physically, I know the pain that one’s hip and lower back being out of alignment can cause. Intellectually, alignment of thought in a specific field of study is necessary for learning and attainment of skill. Emotionally, alignment with feelings that are open, caring and the positive is healthier than alignment with feelings of anger, resentment, fear and the negative.
However the most important alignment in life would have to be spiritual alignment.
When you are living your life in line with God’s will, your life – in every aspect – will be perfectly aligned. This perfect alignment brings focus, purpose, contentment, joy, peace that surpasses understanding and blessed assurance.


Psalms 37:4 Delight in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.


Matthew 6:33 Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Harmony

The gift of music touches each of our lives in some way. It has an effect on our minds, our hearts and our spirits. I think the most interesting aspect of music is harmony – the simultaneous combination of tones; a blending of sound and rhythm. Music has always been a part of my life. I spent my youth listening to my mom sing. I loved hearing her sing the hymns at church. She often sang the alto line. I think that is one of the reasons I am able to follow a line of harmony and easily harmonize when I sing. I’ve experienced the joy of singing in harmony with my own daughter many times. I just did so recently when she visited home for the weekend. It is amazing to be singing notes in harmony and experience a resonance that just gives you goosebumps.

I’ve been standing still with the concept of harmony.
After singing with my daughter, I went for an evening walk. I was struck by the fact that harmony surrounded me. I audibly heard harmony in the chirping sound of the crickets at different pitches and the syncopation of a birdcall. This brought forth to mind in general the beautiful harmonies heard in nature. How often have I heard the harmony of the different birds calling at once?
I also think visual harmony exists in nature. I noticed that during my evening walk as well. The light of the setting sun reflects in all the colors of autumn on a single tree – green, red, orange and gold. Standing still with thoughts of visual harmony I can picture the field of tulips that colorfully blossoms every spring at a nearby farm. Also coming to mind is the symphony of color that exists in a mountain field of wildflowers in full blossom on a summer day. All of these bring a harmonious blending and expression of color to the eye.
Standing still with harmony the thought comes to mind that we can possess harmony in our relationships with others. Some relationships have a natural harmony – there is balance in strengths and weaknesses; agreement of personalities; a blending of dispositions. In some relationships we experience unity and being ‘in tune’ with that person. I love ‘harmonic’ relationships that possess cooperation, like-mindedness, rapport, kinship, understanding … tranquility.
Questions begin to surface. What kind of ‘harmonies’ exist in the relationships I have? Do I need to practice ‘harmonizing’ with certain people? Do people perceive me as ‘harmonic’ or ‘dissonant’?


Still standing still…


Romans 12:16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.


1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

COMFY

There are those times when I feel the need to be comfy. Sometimes that means putting on sweats and fuzzy socks. Sometimes it means being in my pj’s snuggled in bed with a good book. Sometimes it is curled up on the couch covered by my favorite throw blanket with a fire in the fireplace. And then there is that sense of comfy when I’m snuggled with one of my kids or my sweetheart watching a favorite movie.



We each have those places or things that give us that comfy feeling. Comfy means being at ease; snug; having a homey feeling. It’s restful. It’s safe and secure. Sheltered.


I think we also can experience ‘comfy’ when it comes to people. Comfy people are those with whom you feel at ease. There is a secure feeling of being able to just BE – be silent; be silly; be able to express YOU; have a cry; have a laugh; share uncensored thoughts. Time spent with a comfy person refuels and renews. You come away somehow ‘better’ after each time spent with a comfy person.


The comfy people I have in my life are blessings.
-the fellow mom with whom I laugh over our kid experiences and receive insight
-the prayer sister
-the compassion filled witness/friend that nurtures
-the new friend whose passing smiles and greetings brighten my day
-the gym friend whose positive outlook no matter what life brings amazes me
-the smiling encourager that fills me with laughter and lightens my spirit
-the faith buddy that shares daily positive scriptural messages
-those miles apart but available 24-7… whose voices immediately bring joy and calm
-a fellow blogger sharing grace
-that quirky, insightful, encouraging fb friend
-the 3 blessings doling hugs and maturing into priceless comfy companions
-the old ‘sole’ with whom I walk through life


As I continue to stand still with all things comfy, I become enlightened by and with the fact that I am truly blessed being able to know a particular comfy. I have a personal relationship with God. It occurs to me I have never thought of my relationship with my Lord as “comfy” but I guess it is. My soul is at rest with Him. He gives me security and shelter. I am able to ‘BE’ with Him. He knows my weaknesses, my sorrows, my joys, my hopes and my very thoughts. Yet, He loves me – unconditionally; sacrificially.


I think I’m going to stand still for a bit in this ‘comfy’.


Psalm 119:76
May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

Finding Blessings in Conflict

Conflict. 

What comes to mind in that single word?

 Battle, clash, collision, contention, fray, strife, disagreement, discord, opposition, animosity, dissension, antagonism.

I’ve stood still with this word over the last couple of days. 

It’s inevitable – we all come face to face with it in our lives.  Most people will tell you outright that they don’t like conflict.  Many avoid it as much as possible with fear, anxiety and avoidance. Some seem to seek it – almost thrive on it.

It seems obvious that conflict can be damaging. 

After standing still with this word – I’ve learned that it’s not always a bad thing.  Like so much of this life – what determines if conflict is negative or positive is not the conflict itself.  The ultimate determination here lies in our response to the conflict.

Can those caught in the conflict view or consider the opposition or is there dislike, recrimination and selfish exploitation? Does the response bring withdrawl of love, rejection, isolation, shaming, effort to control, abandonment, anger, or resentment?  These responses will undoubtedly end negatively.  They are unhealthy for all those caught in the grasp of conflict.

Is it possible for the response to involve understanding, compassion, respect, and empathy?  Can those caught up in conflict take that step back, refocus and gain perspective.  Perhaps it is important to consider that each conflict brings with it opportunity.  There are possibilities for personal growth (socially, emotionally and spiritually), increased understanding, and strengthening of relationship.

Perhaps, even in the midst of conflict – be it within ourselves or with others - we need to focus on a different word.

Resolution.

Out come, settlement, sorting out, courage, decision, dedication, purposefulness, sincerity, steadfastness, peace.

John 14:27   Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

One Thing

It seems as though as of late I’ve been a part of quite a few “in depth” conversations -   the type where someone just drops their walls and barriers as they talk from the heart.  My prayer list is a little longer these days.  It’s given me plenty to think about as I stand still.  I’ve realized that quite a few of these conversations really boil down to each individual’s inner most yearning.  On the grander scale of things, I think that every person – if honest with themselves – finds that there is a need, an emptiness… a yearning that needs to be met in order to find fulfillment and feel whole – complete – at peace.  Call it ‘purpose’, ‘the secret to life’, ‘happiness’ – it’s that One Thing.  It reminds me of a pivotal scene in the movie City Slickers between the characters played by Jack Palance and Billy Crystal:

Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is?
[holds up one finger]
Curly: This.
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean @#*!.
Mitch: But, what is the "one thing?"
Curly: [smiles] That's what *you* have to find out.

Going back to those conversations as of late… I can identify the One Thing each person seems to be longing for:  letting go, simplicity, balance, self-discipline, boundaries, security, relationship (friendship or romance – basically acceptance and unconditional love), peace, truth, control, comfort, and assurance. 

As I think the concept of One Thing through I realize several truths.

1.  Relying on others to provide that One Thing will lead to continual disappointment and emptiness – people are imperfectly human.  Relying on possessions, wealth or status will lead to continual disappointment and emptiness – they are all fleeting.  Relying on self will lead to emptiness and frustration – you too are imperfectly human – your point of view is limited and perceptions are skewed.

2.  A person’s One Thing may seem conditional or relative – changing with situations, time, and life. 

But it actually isn’t…

3.  Each of these One Thing needs; each of these One Thing secrets or purposes can be met and fulfilled completely with THE ONE who is was and always will be. 

There is a firm foundation on which we can stand anchored against come what may  - One who provides purpose, meaning, balance, boundaries, self-discipline, security, peace, truth, comfort and assurance.

Having that One Thing simply comes from THE ONE.

“And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus”.  Philippians 4:19

Another kind of eviction...

After the post on Serving the Eviction Notice, someone had said “okay forgiveness can be used to evict ‘when someone is living in you head rent free’ but what if the ‘renter’ isn’t a someone inhabiting your mind, but an event – something that’s there preoccupying darker corners of you mind'. More people than you or I realize, have those ‘event renters’. An occurrence in the past that lives in your head rent free – stirring up pain: confusion, anger, and resentment (all used to deflect the pain of what occurred)  anxiety and OH, let us not forget that terror of randomness – why me; it’s so crazy and arbitrary – it’s not fair. It didn’t let us have control over the what, when and how. The present and future will always include the pain of the past event. That pain or loss shouldn’t isolate us but it can…and does.

The inquirer had just hit a minefield that caused an explosion of feelings for me. I drew a deep breath and told him I knew exactly what he meant. I knew exactly what this person was saying – I had had a ‘renter’ named Despair for quite awhile. He’s been evicted. But sill occasionally I hear his ghost whispering words of anxiety, sadness, fear, and resentment and sadness over what could have been each time Despair is triggered by a certain day, memory of the small and fragile, a smell, a picture, a mention of what would’ve been.
Despair entered my life in 1994 when our daughter Christine Hope was born with a mitochondrial disorder. Eight weeks later we were told her condition was fatal. 2 ½ weeks later at dawn on a day with the bluest sky and the brightest sun – I held Christy in my arms as she drew her last breath here on this earth.
Saying I was sad and mourned is simply too trite. There was bitterness, anger, resentment, and even confusion – what do I say when people ask how many kids do you have 3 or 4? Would saying 4 lead to an uncomfortable out of the blue discussion for some? Would saying four seem like I’m harping on my loss and almost advertizing it - looking for reaction? Would saying 3 be lying or appear as a denial of the beautiful curly brown headed girl with the softest and warmest brown eyes?
In my loss – I didn’t want to maintain focus on what happened to me – I needed to focus on what was happening in me. I had resentment toward a doctor who was on call and refused to talk to us (incidentally she was in the midst of congestive heart failure and was taken to a specialty children’s hospital). I had resentment toward some who never gave a word of sympathy or support. I had anger toward myself – had I done something during the pregnancy to cause this? did I do all I really could? Could I have shown my love for her more? I wallowed with Despair and qualified our pain as the worst anyone ever could suffer.
It was about then a good friend gave me a bible verse, Phillippians 4:4-7: Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
This verse struck me in an upsetting way. Was I supposed to rejoice now? I can’t have anxiety over this or because of this - I have to unresentfully come before the Lord and say thanks when I pray… I CAN”T!... I … (can’t breath or think) .. I would try…i would kneel my teeth gritted empty hearted and follow the verse.
Hmm… “but in everything, all things, by prayer and petition WITH THANKGIVING make your request to God.” I took out my case notebook – basically a log for treatments administered, procedures, meds and the times they needed to be administered and what each was for, it had the feeding times - Notes on chats with docs and nurses – notes on how we were to do care procedures (administering feeding tube, monitor monitors for heart rate, O2 sats, blood pressure). And then I started to look at the notes I had written in the margins about the staff, and positive comments made or happenings I noticed (three separate doctors told us she should have been still born) (a nurse said she’d never seen such parents providing so much of the main care in the NICU) (a friend brought an angel figurine) (a music box unexplainably played its tune at a time we were both in tears - the tune was simply Jesus Loves Me) (I found a cross lapel pin on the floor by Christy’s crib) (The nurses got together and gave us the cross that had hung in Christy’s room.)
I saw these side notes and started to say prayers of thanksgiving – not in the most sincere of ways at first. I prayed thanksgiving prayers for people who had a hand in those side notes. I prayed for people who provided Christy’s care – I thanked God that this young child was able to be held and loved by parents who where the only ones that could love her completely the way she needed to by love – no one would’ve loved her more. I thanked Him as hard as this was that she was born alive to meet us and for us to meet her.


Over the course of awhile – I realized there was a peace – one that in no way I would’ve found on my own. It was God’s peace and few could understand it - A peace that surpasses human comprehension. I can now look in the deepest corners of my heart without seeing or feeling bitterness, anger, resentment, or confusion – even thinking back to those moments at dawn that day in 1994.


Our future will always hold the pain of the past. I will never get the answer to WHY – Why was she born with this fatal disease? Why did she have to die? WHY, why, why? I can only receive those final answers when I stand before Him in His glory – even then it may not matter. But I can see the effects and blessings Christy brought. We have two wonderful sons in our family who most likely wouldn’t be here now. We may not have made choices about family events or family priorities as often or strongly as we have done without knowing the preciousness of time spent with our kids. We may not have looked for an opportunity for me to be a stay-home-mom. Several of our friends who were struggling in their faith grew spiritually. One family had two children baptized. People came and told us how our family changed their families.


How did I evict this renter? DESPAIR was barricaded in my head.


I chose ACCEPTANCE. As I prayed sincerely and focused on being thankful in the midst of Despair, as I focused on God (who did not cause this thing – I don’t believe he looked down and said let’s send Naomi’s world crashing down today ) who visibly walked through this valley of darkness with us. I ACEPTED the situation – didn’t like it and wanted answers – but I ACCEPTED it. And His peace was wrapped around me.


To evict “event renters” I think you eventually must ask yourself “do I want to live in Despair or Acceptance?“
Giving up the pursuit of control brings you to Acceptance and Peace.


Lamentations 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.


Note to reader: A great help for my despair was the gift of this book:
A GRACE DISGUISED: HOW THE SOUL GROWS THROUGH LOSS by GERALD L. SITTSER
Talk with someone who’s walked your path. Peace that surpasses understanding is more than a possibility.

Serving the Eviction

One of my friends posted an Ester Lederer (a.k.a Ann Landers) quote as her status not too long ago. It’s been surfacing in my mind on and off during my still time. Whenever something does this, I’m usually being ‘encouraged” to take closer look. Translation – God is shaking His head and saying “Stubborn child, you didn’t quite catch it the first (second, or third) time around – you’ve got some thinking to do!”


The quote: “Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”

Bazinga! A little jolt to my psyche is making me look at myself as I considered the truth of the quote. I needed to be honest with myself and recognize where I am emotionally with my “renters”. I’ve been feeding them, providing heat and utilities, even fluffing pillows.

Time for an eviction notice! Nobody is going to live rent free in my head – being kept alive, allowed to stew and nurture the resentment, bitterness and anger – have that control. Guess it’s time to make peace. Hmm… MAKE peace. The verb here is make…that’s an action. Make, means to bring into existence by shaping or changing, to produce or cause to be. Dang it! - I have to DO something to make peace. It won’t magically happen if I just leave things be.
My ‘renters’ deal with relationships I have with a couple of people that have caused heartache. I still deal with these people in different life arenas on a pretty regular basis. Dealing with them causes anxiety, resentment, and hurt. I needed to make peace with the relationships I have with them. A question comes to mind - Why do I have to make the effort? I didn’t choose to be treated in such ways that are ignorant, at times spiteful, inconsiderate, rude, uncaring… A simple apology would be in order and would really help to mend fences but I know there will be no sincere repentance, no reparation – especially since there is no hint of recognition that they have caused hurt (so I may not be able to make peace with the individuals but I can make peace with the relationships). .
How can I evict them? The only way is through forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice.
Forgiveness in the case of these two will never come in response to apology, reparation, or contrition. I need to forgive not for their welfare, but for my own welfare – emotionally and spiritually.
It is only after the forgiveness that I will forge a new course, one that is without the “squatters’ of bitterness, anger, resentment or hatred in my head or heart.
Are you letting anyone live rent free? Find it overwhelming to face giving eviction notice on your own? Reach out to the people that love you for support; to people who’ve made it through; to the One who loves you and will enable you– Your Lord and Savior.

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.